The Hour Before

I’ve had this saved in my drafts folder since May 1st 2010 – a little over two months ago. I wrote it, poured my heart and soul into it, and then put it aside. Every once in a while I’d pull it up and reread it, feeling that it was somehow unresolved. Today, as I reread it, all those pieces fit into place. I typed out this blurb, my thoughts, and  hit publish, because that sense of certainty and surety is all too often fleeting. To publish is to preserve, to maintain a sense of perseverance in a world of turmoil. So here it is.

It’s 5:22pm on May 1st 2010.In an hour and a half from now I’m going to alter the course of my life. I’m going to become  a part – a half to be exact. In an hour and a half I’m going to say my vows, pledge my life, my heath, my sickness, my faith, my fate, my destiny – all that I am and ever will be – to another being. To a man I’ve grown to love unconditionally. And in turn I will receive him – all that he is and ever will be.

How do I feel? Everyone seems to ask me that. First is initial reaction of shock then a bombardment of questions. Questions that answer more about the inquirer than they ever could about my situation. The veil that concealed my ‘friends’ and my friends can’t hold under their queries. It’s ripped asunder and there they are, for a split second, naked. Inked on their face, etched in their eyes is who they really are, what they really value.

I try not to look too closely – afraid the reality will be glass to the diamond, brass to the gold. Like a thirst-crazed man in the desert I avoid scrutinizing the mirage, believing if I look to closely it will shatter and fade. I guess that’s why I’m typing this out. Staring at my bare left ring finger, feeling the brush of my dress, the elaborate curl of my hair. I want an answer, I want certainty.

I love him more than I could have ever believed was possible. I don’t attach easily, but when I do I may as well be a barnacle. I’m tenacious. When I fall, I crash. When I love, it’s wholeheartedly. No part of me is untouched, detached – safe.

So how do I feel? I don’t know. I look into the mirror and I see someone I’m not quite familiar with. Who is this woman, this thin, elegant woman who holds her head high, her shoulders back? Where did I – the gawky, awkward, uncertain girl – go? How is she so certain, so defiant?

I can find one answer to all these questions, just the one word that loosens the knot in my chest, eases my breathing, calms the trembling. Love. I love him. My heart, my soul, my being is a part of him. And so that newly awakened woman in me rejects safety, rejects complacency. Her doubts have been conquered, her fears quenched. She turns to me, her love, fueled by his, blazing fierce, and comforts me. And we are one – I am reconciled with her. And as a whole being, I will merge with him. Complete. Whole. Strong.

My cousin is knocking. I’m going to face my future; my head held high, my shoulders back. Alhamdulillah! I never thought it could be like this, so good, so real, so lasting – inshAllah. I love him so much, alhamdulillah. I’m out blogosphere! Gotta go fall in love all over again ❤

Alhamdulillah. I love you Mohamed, habeeb albi, hayati, 3omri, rouhi. It’s been two beautiful, wonderful, exhilarating months and each and every single day I find that I fall even harder for you. I love you baby, inside and out. I love your strength, your wisdom, your heart and soul.

As for you blogging world, yes, I am engaged Western-wise and Islamically married! It’s been amazing. Alhamdulillah, I can’t think Allah enough.



Filed under Mr.S&S, Personal

13 responses to “The Hour Before

  1. Mabrook!!! That is such good news, mashaAllah. May Allah bless you both with so much more love and happiness.

  2. Congrats! So does this mean you are living together as a married couple? I never can tell when people are religiously married and Westernly engaged since I’ve known some who do live together and have children prior to being legally married (in the eyes of the State) and some who wait. Regardless, it’s wonderful to see you happy. Have you set a date? Or is May 1 considered your wedding date? These cultural things are fascinating to me and since I don’t know much about this, I ask questions! Hope you don’t mind. 🙂

    I’d love to know how you two met if you ever feel comfortable to share. Is he someone you grew up with and finally realized you loved? Is he Syrian like you? (That’s one of those topics we often talk about in my culture….”so, tell me, how’d you and Andrew meet.” Know what I mean?)

    I’m glad you published this and I’m happy you met a nice man who makes you happy! Thanks much for sharing your thoughts. You put it so beautifully! And I loved this:

    ” I don’t attach easily, but when I do I may as well be a barnacle.” Haaaa! 😀

    Huge huge congrats!

    • Thanks Susanne! Of course I don’t mind our questions!!

      First, I’m not quite married yet. Not western-wise anyways, where we’d be considered only engaged. But Islamically, we’re married. We’re still waiting to have the actual wedding (SOON I hope!). And even though we got ‘married’ on May 1st, we’d still consider that as our engagement day and the wedding as our wedding anniversary. Goodness. It confused me, so if this is still unclear, fire your questions away!

      As for how we met, don’t worry – EVERYBODY asks! The way it worked out was that his best-friend is married to my second (?) cousin. They, being happily married, were set on spreading the bliss and so they suggested that we meet up. So he came over the first night to meet the parents and the girl (ME! yayy =D), and we meet like that for a few months. Once we’d gotten to know each other (in the comfort of my own home, of course) and we’d decided that we wanted to take it to the next level, we decided to tie the (islamic) knot. Now we’re looking to tie the second (Western) knot, and we’re done! Yay us!!

      You know what I find funny? Like I said, everybody asks how we met – it’s totally natural. But the reactions are soo unexpected sometimes! Like a lot of Arabs, who should be very familiar with how we met, are totally shocked. And a lot of nonArabs (like Canadians) think it’s sooo cool.

      But anyway, thanks again! And I’m glad you liked that line 😉

      • Oh thanks for the explanation. I really hoped I didn’t overstep any boundaries by asking especially when you didn’t write back right away. I was like, “Ummm, maybe I shouldn’t have asked that.” I really loved what you shared and I wish you and your love much happiness! I remember when I first “met” you on this blog, you were in Syria and the parade of men was coming by your home. Ha, ha! Glad you met someone so special! 😀

  3. Awww congratulations on your marriage!! This is so wonderful to hear, you sound so happy and in love 😀

  4. Alf, alf, ALF mabrouk, S&S!!!
    May Allah bless your marriage, and may He let it be a means for you to become closer to Him in love and devotion. The happy vibes I’m getting from this post are making me smile at my laptop’s screen like a fool, haha.

    (And dude(tte)! No wonder you’ve been busy with other things than your blog :D)

  5. Ayesha


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