I’ve had this saved in my drafts folder since May 1st 2010 – a little over two months ago. I wrote it, poured my heart and soul into it, and then put it aside. Every once in a while I’d pull it up and reread it, feeling that it was somehow unresolved. Today, as I reread it, all those pieces fit into place. I typed out this blurb, my thoughts, and hit publish, because that sense of certainty and surety is all too often fleeting. To publish is to preserve, to maintain a sense of perseverance in a world of turmoil. So here it is.
It’s 5:22pm on May 1st 2010.In an hour and a half from now I’m going to alter the course of my life. I’m going to become a part – a half to be exact. In an hour and a half I’m going to say my vows, pledge my life, my heath, my sickness, my faith, my fate, my destiny – all that I am and ever will be – to another being. To a man I’ve grown to love unconditionally. And in turn I will receive him – all that he is and ever will be.
How do I feel? Everyone seems to ask me that. First is initial reaction of shock then a bombardment of questions. Questions that answer more about the inquirer than they ever could about my situation. The veil that concealed my ‘friends’ and my friends can’t hold under their queries. It’s ripped asunder and there they are, for a split second, naked. Inked on their face, etched in their eyes is who they really are, what they really value.
I try not to look too closely – afraid the reality will be glass to the diamond, brass to the gold. Like a thirst-crazed man in the desert I avoid scrutinizing the mirage, believing if I look to closely it will shatter and fade. I guess that’s why I’m typing this out. Staring at my bare left ring finger, feeling the brush of my dress, the elaborate curl of my hair. I want an answer, I want certainty.
I love him more than I could have ever believed was possible. I don’t attach easily, but when I do I may as well be a barnacle. I’m tenacious. When I fall, I crash. When I love, it’s wholeheartedly. No part of me is untouched, detached – safe.
So how do I feel? I don’t know. I look into the mirror and I see someone I’m not quite familiar with. Who is this woman, this thin, elegant woman who holds her head high, her shoulders back? Where did I – the gawky, awkward, uncertain girl – go? How is she so certain, so defiant?
I can find one answer to all these questions, just the one word that loosens the knot in my chest, eases my breathing, calms the trembling. Love. I love him. My heart, my soul, my being is a part of him. And so that newly awakened woman in me rejects safety, rejects complacency. Her doubts have been conquered, her fears quenched. She turns to me, her love, fueled by his, blazing fierce, and comforts me. And we are one – I am reconciled with her. And as a whole being, I will merge with him. Complete. Whole. Strong.
My cousin is knocking. I’m going to face my future; my head held high, my shoulders back. Alhamdulillah! I never thought it could be like this, so good, so real, so lasting – inshAllah. I love him so much, alhamdulillah. I’m out blogosphere! Gotta go fall in love all over again ❤
Alhamdulillah. I love you Mohamed, habeeb albi, hayati, 3omri, rouhi. It’s been two beautiful, wonderful, exhilarating months and each and every single day I find that I fall even harder for you. I love you baby, inside and out. I love your strength, your wisdom, your heart and soul.
As for you blogging world, yes, I am engaged Western-wise and Islamically married! It’s been amazing. Alhamdulillah, I can’t think Allah enough.