Ever since that first day, when the world watched in horror as the death toll ripped through the one, two and three hundreds in the span of 12 hours, I feel like my life’s been put on hold. I can’t do anything without feeling guilty. My mood is erratic – one minute I’m laughing like a lunatic and the next I’m yelling at everyone in sight to move, to do something. I spend most my time either on the TV flipping between CNN and Al Jazeera International or online, blog surfing, reading articles, some more AJI, and blogging. I’ve yet to start weeping and sobbing. Thank God for small mercies, eh? For the past two weeks, the number of times I’ve cried can be counted on one hand. The most recently was when I heard Mel Gibson’s scottish accent ring out: “Tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!”
I can’t anymore though. Because fat lot of good I’m going to do anyone in my current state. I need to get myself together. And fast. My exams, which are currently in transit somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean or possibly in Europe, have yet to make it here but they’re bound to land any day. And once they do I have until the 15th to write them. Low grades are not an option.
I need to take a breather. And I feel unbelievably guilty saying this. They can’t take a break. Even during their three hour ‘cease fire’ they can’t.I need it though. I’ll still post, inshAllah. But I’ve come to realize that I’ve become as bad as everyone else! What good will it do if I fail? If I keep acting like this? My current state is of no help to anyone.