floating in soft
airs of providence.
tossed willfully
without a will.
tethered gently
inexorably.
set me free
release me.
save this Soul.

I break you don’t, I was always set to self-destruct though

Where you stand tall, I cower
Where you are firm, I falter.
Where you are sure, I stumble.
Where you are whole, I crumble.

When I cower, you shield me.
When I falter, you steady me.
When I stumble, you catch me.
When I crumble, you heal me.

I was listening to If There’s a Rocket Tie me To it, right after listening to Al-Imran by Saad Al-Ghamdi, and this kinda wrote itself. I know they’re fundamentally irreconcilable, but they both have such a tremendous impact on my life. I <3 music and the Quran is my life.

Anyway, this is totally irrelevant in my life, as I’m the one that’s always running around picking up the pieces – both my own and others – but there you have it. Alhamdulillah.

But, sometimes…. sometimes I wish I knew where this was all going!

Poetry Competition, eh??

I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and submit my poems in for a competition (the incentive of 500 dollars for first place has nothing to do with it, obviously). Soooo, because I kind of believe my poems are very amateur, I was wondering if you, Oh Faithful Readers, could read over some of the poems I have posted up on this blog and take this poll and help a sister out!

The poems are:

Threads of Life
Your Pain or Mine?
Look What You’ve Done
The End
Faded Teardrops
A Piece of My Soul
The Power of Words
Fajir Prayer

If you guys could pleeeeeeease take a look at them and then take the poll, I’d love you all for life <33

Thank you =)

- a Desperately Lost Sistah

I am sorry…

I am sorry for…
all that I take for granted,
my peace and freedom.

I am sorry for…
moments I forget your pain,
the tears cried in vain.

I am sorry for…
all your hurt and suffering,
hunger and oppression.

But ’sorry’ cannot
give you peace or dignity,
ease pain and dry tears.

And ’sorry’ cannot
restore homes and families,
bring back loved ones lost.

And so we all watch
our world deteriorating,
our eyes shut, hands tied.

Our mouths open in
An endlessly silent cry:
“I am so sorry.”

…endless…

…silent…

…impotent…

Forgive me.

I lost my place but I can’t stop this story

So I’ve gone off on a sabbatical of sorts.. but, I guess since I’m Muslim, it’d be like a khelwah? Only without the spiritual enlightenment and ascending of spirit and descending of peace and grace. No, it was really closer to me wallowing in self-pity. You know Jim Carey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas?

“4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger – tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing… I’m booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?”

Yeah. It wasn’t pretty. Or it was. Pretty pathetic, that is.

Buttt it’s over! And I can now open this blog again without feeling the urge to pound out some seriously monotonous and depressing “why me” drivel.

Instead, I come bearing news! After two and a half – actually, it’s two years and eight months, but hey, who’s counting? – years I’m finally moving back!! Plans are for either mid May or June, but either way I’m out before summer starts. 

You’d think after two years and eight months of constantly searching for that silver lining – and sometimes resorting to making it up – I’d be ecstatic. Well, I am and I’m not. I think this sums it up best:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Maybe I should pull a Yogi Bear – when you come to a fork in the road, take it – and accept whatever happens as what is meant to happen and not look back and wonder. But I’m already missing Syria. In fact, while my brothers are going around playing our traditional traveling game – what’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get there? – I’m always asking everyone what they’re going to miss most. So far, no one voluntarily admits to missing anything, although I’ve gotten three to concede that they’ll miss the convenience of having a mosque around every corner, but my list is pretty long. Lol. Maybe I’ll post it up when I’m done =)

Oh, and funny thing happened. My answer to my brother’s question was “Subway – EAT FRESH.” And then yesterday, I went to a new mall – which, considering there’s like ONE mall in Damascus, you’d think they’d endeavor to build the new one pretty much no where near the preexisting mall. Well it isn’t. There’s about 10 meters – if that – between the two malls – in Damascus -Damasquino – and I was going solely for Second Cup when my friend’s student let her know they’d opened up a Subway! The real deal!! Holy crap, eh? It wasn’t exactly the same since they didn’t have my regular Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki or BBQ sauce but the Teriyaki Chicken was pretty good and instead of my cookie I got Lays chips =( AND the cute guy who used to work at MY subway wasn’t there (and I really hadn’t realized till now that I’d sorta integrated him into my Subway experience, but there he is! And yo, it’s completely beyond my control. He’s made my sandwiches at not one, not two, but THREE different Subways. This guy knows my sandwich. And unless Subway is cloning this one cute guy to attract customers like hmm… me? he has every right to be an essential – and much missed – part of my Subway experience! So there). But subway followed by a butter pecan latte at Second Cup, whilst playing Sudoku? It was the closest I’d expected to get this side of the ocean. 

So now my second choice has been bumped to number one: Timmie’s here I come! XL black coffee  and a cinnamon and raisin bagel, lightly toasted, with cream cheese. *drool*

Angel’s Tears, God’s Blessing

It’s raining today. The kind of rain that washes away the past, hints at the promise of growth and revival. I’m scared. Good God, I’m terrified. After a month of hell, of breathless anticipation, seems like everything’s getting too serious too fast. God, I have to get my head on straight and work this out. I’m already saying goodbye, and it’s too soon. I promised myself I wouldn’t hope again, not until I had some sort of guarantee I wasn’t going to be left to pick up the bloody pieces. So I guess it’s a good thing it’s raining. Angel’s tears. God’s blessing. Yeesh, melancholic enough for ya? Here’s to new beginnings. God give me the strength to see it through, this time around.

Spread my tattered wings
sunlight seeps through thin muslin
dizzying patterns on barren rock
fluttering in a stale, rancid waft.
It stirs my hair,
barring a thin, fragile neck
a pulse beating lethargically
thud, thud…
marks the passage of time
As I crouch
on a pinnacle  of silence.
In the distance,
a storm churns: faces and names
Silence, broken only by
the slow thud thud of pain.
Now jumping, falling, swiftly
wind tearing at my hair
whipping and tangling helpless wings
a soft smile…
a jarring impact…
it beats now, swift and sure
thud, thud, thud.

Threads of Life

Delicate threads, woven intricately
wind and loop, creating endless
hidden patterns, in our tapestries.

I sit, my head bowed upon my chest
arms and legs crossed; protection
against a reply at my own request.

A ponderous and gnarled finger
traces a winding and worn thread
pausing to caress the snarls, to linger.

It stops, a blunt and withered nail
points surely to a prominent knob
face trembling in a smile so frail.

She raises moist and filmy eyes
to stare past me, past my youth
as quivering lips part on a sigh.

I stiffen; that single, soft inhalation
causes my body to ache and tense
to lean away in sheer desperation.

Fear, the last vestige of protection,
warns my unfaithful heart
against the horror of past rejection.

Yet my aching heart treacherously
lifts to soar along the worn threads
eager to know, to realize my identity.

Her words contradict her fragility
sharp and precise as lashes
gouging soul and body similarly.

Still, I listen impatiently; ever utterance
engraves upon the walls of my heart
the twisting pain is bloody penance.

Abruptly, the lips part on a soft sigh
the twisting thread has worn its course
reaching the scarring end of her reply.

I stare, shocked, at her powdery skin
drapes of delicate, drooping folds
around eyes now dead from within.

And I, I walk away; deceptively steady
despite the trail of blood I leave,
staining the threads weaving endlessly.

Turn and Seek

A futile roving
as I turn, seeking,
stumbling in my haste
from cold to colder face.
A hint of sympathy,
of refuge and sanctuary,
of comfort and solace,
is all that I ask.
But each cold face
frowns and turns away
and I continue roving,
turning and seeking.

Your Pain or Mine?

I’ll leave you presently;
my footsteps will tread sturdy
my voice will remain steady
my eyes will be completely empty.
And I’ll walk, head held loftily
not a tear to betray me
till emptiness surrounds me
and no one can witness my agony.

And I will exist silently,
while the pain courses through me
the sobs rack my body
the river of tears flows freely
the pain drowns me.
And my lungs will rupture devastatingly
and my heart will stop mercifully
and your pain will leave me – finally.

And I wish sincerely,
that you could be beside me
to hold me closely
to soothe me endlessly
to mend me wholly.
But because I love you unconditionally
I realize it’s my turn currently
my turn to shoulder the agony.

That is love.

Look What You’ve Done

My screams echo
in the chambers of my lungs.
And I can’t seem to let go
of the restraints that bind my tongue.

And I would give my existence
to put to words my pain.
To fight the resistance
that completely binds my brain.

Look what you’ve done
you’ve finally broken me.
You’ve ended what hasn’t begun
you’ve bought me to my knees.

Tears blur my vision,
distorting your face.
Yet I can see with precision,
your fall from grace.

Behind my eyes it remains
imprinted on my heart.
Till your pain becomes my pain
and I can’t tell them apart.

Look what you’ve done
you’ve finally broken me.
You’ve ended what hasn’t begun
you’ve bought me to my knees.

Finally, sweet numbness
an instinctive attempt at protection.
Too late to be of any success
to even come close to my resurrection.

And so I’ll drag myself off and away
to the solitude of anonymity.
And I’ll lie here and peacefully decay
if you’ll just finally leave me.

Because I’m content to end what hasn’t begun
before the pain forces me to kneel
before I break and come undone
if it means this heart is finally free to heal.

So I choose for you to leave me
to leave untouched what little remains
While this heart still has a chance of beating
While I still have hope of living again.